22 Things A Woman Should Know If She Is In Love With A Superhero
by Ashtrees
Summary: A relationship guide by Lois Lane. This is the relationship guide every girl with a superhero boyfriend needs! Each chapter will be about a different superhero and their girlfriend. Chapter Two: Be prepared to redecorate.
1. Intro

**22 Things a Woman needs to know if she is in Love with a Superhero**

**By Lois Lane**

**Introduction**

The inspiration from this book came from the numerous times people (women mostly) have come up to me and asked me what it was like being in a relationship with a superhero. I told them that obviously it was wonderful. Well, that was a bit of a lie because no relationship is perfect, right? Even if you are dating the most perfect man you've ever come across, every relationship has its problems. And let me tell you that if you date a guy with superpowers then there will be problems you'd never have dreamt of in your worst nightmares.

And then it occurred to me: there are literally thousands of relationship guides for normal-normals (that is, a non-superhero dating another non-superhero), but not _one_ for us non-super gals dating a man with superpowers. That's not right, is it? We stumble into these relationships, not knowing what to expect or who to turn to for advice when we need it so much. One day I hope that a superwoman will be able to write a guide about being in a relationship with a non-super man, because I bet that must be tough. Or even a book for two superheroes. That's my challenge to you.

Anyway, I've written this book after years of being in an on/off relationship with Superman and his alter ego (can't tell you his name, sorry). But, I've also drawn on the experiences, and quoted from, many (girlfriend of superheros.) I think that together we've painted a pretty broad picture of what it is like dating a superhero.

There will be some issues covered which arise in every normal-superperson relationship, like the constant kidnapping and never being able to plan a romantic evening just in case the world needs saving for the third time that month. Other issue will be specific only to your relationship because the chances are your guy is completely unique. There will never be another man like him with his powers. That is something to be cherished, but at times it will also be a completely pain in the backside.

So, without further ado read on for the 22 things a woman should know is she's in love with a superhero.


	2. His Alter Ego

**One: His alter ego may embarrass you**

_So, picture this: two very different men show up in your life at exactly the same time. One has super human strength (usually) and likes to wear a brightly coloured, tight fitting outfit. He sweeps you off your feet by showing up at just the right time to rescue you from a helicopter accident or a gang of muggers. He is charming, witty and has an irresistible air of mystery about him. He immediately seems smitten with you and wants take you on web-slinging tour of the city or to meet his parents (and rebellious brother) in another dimension. Perfect, right? _

_Except that it turns out that the geeky, sweet guy in your life is also your superhero man. In order to protect himself and those around himself, he had taken on the persona of a clutz. He's so different in fact to his true self that nobody would have guessed that the clumsy man you work with or often see, is in reality the superhero protecting your city. _

_But, no matter how endearing you find his gawky nature at first, it's an act he has to keep the whole time you're out in public, and that can be embarrassing at times…._

Lois Lane was becoming impatient; the film was about to start at any moment and Clark still had not returned with their snacks.

It was just after the lights were dimmed that Lois finally heard the unmistakable voice of her boyfriend, apologetically trying to shimmy his 6'3 and 235 pound body along the row to their middle seats, whilst clutching at two cartons of popcorn and two giant cups of soda, _as well as_ trying to push his ridiculously heavy glasses back up his nose.

But, Clark preserved, pushing forward despite almost tripping over his own feet. "Oh, gee, I'm so sorry, miss! Excuse me, sir. Uh, uh, s-sorry!"

People began to boo and hiss as The Godfather began to play and Clark was blocking most of the screen. Lois rolled her eyes, feeling a tad guilty. Perhaps she should have chosen seats nearer to the aisle, but the ones in the middle did have the best view.

There was a sudden yell and a scream of a woman as Clark suddenly pitched forward in the dark, dumping most of the popcorn and soda over the shocked woman.

"Clark!" Lois squeaked. "Are you alright?"

Well, of course he was. He was Superman, but he played the part of Clark so well.

"M-my glasses!" he whimpered, running his hands over the carpeted floor.

"My dress!" the woman screamed, pointing to damp stain in her lap. "It's ruined!"

The woman's husband stood up, tugging at the lapels of his jacket. He poked at Clark's shoulder. "Stand up!" he growled.

"Uh, just one moment, sir," said Clark, holding up one hand. "Let me just find my glasses."

Lois knelt down and shoved the glasses roughly back onto Clark's face.

"Here are you glasses," she hissed. "I know _how much_ you need them."

Clark gave her a shaky smile. "Ah, thank you, Lois."

He stood up, smoothing down the front of his grey suit, now also damp with soda. He fished his wallet out from his pocket. "Here you are sir," he said, pushing a wad of notes at the red-faced man. "I, uh, I hope that this covers the price of a new dress."

"You're an idiot," the man snarled, snatching the money from Clark's hand before sitting down again.

Clark patted Lois' shoulder. "We're missing the film, Lois. Perhaps we should get to our seats now?"

Lois held her face in her hand. There were times when she could have slapped Clark, but that wouldn't affect him at all.

"I'll make it up to you later," Clark whispered huskily in the dark. "How would you like to see Paris at night?"

Lois smiled seductively and carefully plucked the glasses from Clark's face. "No one can see you in the dark, so why wear them?" she whispered back, and kissed him full on the lips.

They were interrupted by the sound of a gunshot in the movie. Clark almost jumped out of his seat.

"Golly!" he exclaimed. "I-I didn't realise it would be so violent. I thought it would be about a godfather looking after his godchildren."

Lois gave him a strained smile, but said nothing.


	3. Redecorate

**Two: Be Prepared To Redecorate Frequently**

_My boyfriend is an idiot. He has way too much time, money and intelligence. He has a gigantic ego, which he could share out between each member of a large self-help group and still have enough ego left over to think of himself as a god. He also has access to a multi-billion dollar lab and all the coffee he could possibly want. So, yeah, my boyfriend is an idiot. I mean, how could a combination of all those factors __not__ cause trouble?_

"Pepper"

When Pepper suddenly woke up at 3 AM she immediately noticed that her long-term boyfriend was not present in the king-sized bed next to her. Feeling the empty space with her hand Pepper noted that the sheets were cold, telling her that Tony had been gone some time.

Pepper sighed to herself and slumped back against the pillow. She knew exactly where he would be – in the Iron Man lab. Tony's night time absences were not in themselves an unusual or infrequent occurrence (often the billionaire found it impossible to sleep once he got a new idea into his head), but Pepper sometimes wished that they were not such a cause for a worry.

Right on cue a massive explosion rocked the bedroom. Pepper bolted upright, swearing. All the labs had state of the art soundproofing, so that Tony could be as noisy as he liked while he worked. But, some explosions were just too big.

"Jarvis, what's happening?"

Pepper was already out of bed and pulling on her dressing-gown.

"There's been an explosion," the A.I butler informed her, rather unhelpfully. "In the kitchen."

"The kitchen?" Pepper echoed. So, not in one of the labs then. "Is Tony okay?"

"Yes, he is unharmed. He's wearing one of the suits," Jarvis said quickly. Well, if the A.I was afraid of her then Tony had better be too.

Pepper let out a growl of frustration. What was her maniac of a boyfriend doing wearing the Iron Man suit in _the kitchen_?

By the time Pepper had stomped her way downstairs a gang of Tony's robots were already clearing up the mess. The large room still had plumes of smoke billowing out through the door and, although she couldn't see much because of the smoke, it was clearly mostly rubble now. Pepper felt her blood pressure rising; she had designed the kitchen herself, creating it just as she liked it.

"Tony!" she shouted. "What the hell? Where's the kitchen?"

She found him cowering behind the sofa and promptly threw an expensive lamp at him. Everything they owned was expensive, but that just made their domestics more exciting. The lamp shattered against the suit, just as she knew it would, but it still proved to Tony just how mad she was.

"What? You don't like it?" he asked, innocently. She couldn't see his face while it was hidden inside the helmet, but she'd bet he was smirking. Tony always smirked when being told off.

"What were you doing?" Pepper demanded.

"I was cooking," Tony replied, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "I was watching this cookery show and thought: hey, what would make this better? An Iron Man suit, of course! Chefs around the world could benefit from it. There're still a few compatibility issues to be worked out, but – Pepper, where're you going?"

Pepper turned on him. "I have friends coming over today- you knew that! I was going to cook for them in _my_ kitchen! But, you had to ruin everything with your stupid sleep-deprived, coffee fuelled ideas! Except that they're not real ideas – just you being an idiot!"

She stormed off, charging up the stairs.

"I can fix this in a couple of hours!" Tony shouted after her. "I can get you a new kitchen. In fact, I could get you a new restaurant! With one of those English angry, naked chefs!"

He received no reply other than the distant slamming of the door. He sighed; he would have to spend the rest of the early hours rebuilding the kitchen. It shouldn't take too long in the suit. He would have to go out and buy new appliances though. Were there even any electrical appliance stores which were open all night? There should be, really. There had to be a market for insomniacs who often caused explosions in their kitchens and wanted to clear up before their partners found out.

"Jarvis make a note," he announced. "Never put ten unopened cans in the microwave. The results are a bit not good."

"Noted," Jarvis confirmed, sounding a little weary. "Do you wish to know the location of the nearest 24 hour electrical store?"


End file.
